Seven O'Clock in the evening
Watchin' somethin' stupid on TV
I'm zoned out on the sofa
When my wife comes in the room and sees me
And she says "is this 'Behind the Music'
With Lynard Skynard?"
And I say I don't know
Say, it's gettin' late, watcha wanna do for dinner?
She says "I kinda had a big lunch
So I'm not super hungry"
I said, well you know, baby, I'm not starvin' either
But I could eat"
She said "So whadya have in mind?"
I said I don't know what about you?
She said "I don't care, if you're hungry, let's eat"
I said that's what we're gonna do!
But first you gotta tell me
What it is you're hungry for!
And she says "let me think,
What's left in our refrigerator?"
I said well, there's tuna, I know
She said "That went bad a week ago!"
I said is the chili okay?
She said "you finished that yesterday!"
I hopped up and I said
I don't know, do you want to get something delivered?
She's like "why would I want to eat liver?
I don't even like liver!"
I'm like no, I said 'delivered'
She's like "I heard you say liver!"
I'm like I should know what I said
She's like "whatever, I just don't want any liver!"
Well I was gonna say something
But my cell phone started to ring
Now who could be callin' me?
Well I checked my caller ID
It was just cousin Larry
Callin' for the third time today
My wife said "Let it go to voicemail"
I said okay
Where were we? Oh, Dinner, Right
So what do you want to do?
She said "why don't you whip up something in the kitchen?"
Yeah, I said why don't you?
And then she said "baby, can't we just go out to dinner, please?"
I says no
She says "yes"
I says no
She says "yes"
I says no
She says "yes
Oh, here's your keys"
I step a little bit closer
Say okay, where ya want to go?
She says "how about The Ivy?"
I said yeah, well I don't know
I don't feel like gettin all dressed up
And eatin' expensive food
She's says "Olive Garden?"
I say nah, I'm not in the mood
And Burrito King would make me gassy
There's no doubt
She says "Just forget about it"
I said no, I swear I'm gonna take you out!
Then I get an idea
I says I know what we'll do!
She says "What?"
I say, guess?
She says "What?"
I say we're goin' to the drive-thru!
So we head out the front door
Open the garage door
Then I open the car doors
And we get in those car doors
Put my key in the ignition
And then I turn it sideways
Then we fasten our seat belts
As we pull out the driveway
Then we drive to the drive-thru
Heading off to the drive-thru
We're approaching the drive-thru
Getting close to the drive-thru!
Almost there at the drive-thru
Now we're here at the drive thru
Here in line at the drive-thru
Did I mention the drive-thru?
Well here we are
In the drive-thru line, me and her
Cars in front of us, cars in back of us
All just waiting to order
There's some idiot in a Volvo
With his brights on behind me
I lean out the window and scream
Hey, Whatcha tryin to do, blind me?
My wife says "maybe we should park
We could just go eat inside"
I said I'm wearing bunny slippers
So I ain't leaving this ride
Now a woman on a speaker box
Is saying "Can I take your order, please?"
I said yes indeed, you certainly can
We'd like two hamburgers with onions and cheese
Then my wife says
"Baby, hold on, I've changed my mind!
I think I'm gonna have a chicken sandwich
Instead, this time"
I said you always get a cheeseburger!
She says "That's not what I'm hungry for"
I put my head in my hands and screamed,
I don't know who you are anymore!
The voice on the speaker says
"I don't have all day!"
I said, then, take our order,
And we'll be on our way!
I wanna get a chicken sandwich
And I want a cheeseburger, too
She's like "you want onions on that?"
I'm like, yeah, I already said that I do
Plus we need curly fries
And don't you dare forget it!
And two medium root beers
No, just one, we'll split it"
Then I said I'm guessing that
You're probably not too bright
So read me back my order
Let's make sure you got it right
She says "one, you want a chicken sandwich
Two, you want a cheeseburger
Three, curly fries, and a large root beer"
Stop, don't go no further!
I never ordered a large rootbeer
I said medium, not large!
Then she says "we're having a special,
I supersized you at no charge"
"Oh" and that's all
I could say, was "Oh"
And she says "now there is something else
That I really think you should know
You can have unlimited refills
For just a quarter more"
I say, great, except we're in the drive thru
So what would I want that for?
Then she says "Wait a minute
Your voice sounds so familiar hey, is this Paul?
And my wife is all like "no, that ain't Paul,
Now tell me, who's this Paul?
She says "Oh, he's just some guy
Who goes to school with me
I sat behind him last year
And I copied off him in Geometry
I said I know a guy named Paul
He used to be my plumber
He was prematurely bald
And he moved to Pittsburgh last summer
He also had bladder problems
And a really bad infection on his toe
And she said "Mister, please, you can stop right there,
That's way more than I needed to know!"
And then we both were quiet
And things got real intense
Then she says "next window please,
That'll be five dollars and eighty two cents"
So we inched ahead in line
Moving painfully slow
I got a little bored
So I turned on the radio
Click, turned it off
Because my wife was getting a headache
So we both just sat there quietly
For her sake
Then I looked at her
And she looked back at me
And I said umm,
I think you have somethin'g in your teeth
She turned away from me
And then turned back and said "did I get it?"
I said yeah well, I mean, most of it
But hey, ya know, don't sweat it
Then she said "how about now?"
I said yeah, almost
There's still a little bit there
But don't worry, it's probably just a piece of toast"
Now we're at the pay window
Or whatever you call it
Put my hand in my pocket
I can't believe there's no wallet!
And the lady at the window's like,
"Well, well, well, that'll be five eighty two"
I turn around to my wife, and say
How much have you got on you?
She just rolls her eyes and says
"I'll pay for this, I guess"
So she reaches into her purse
And pulls out the American Express
I hand it to the lady
And she says "oh, dear
It's gotta be cash only
We don't take credit cards here"
I took back the card and said
Gee, really? Well that sucks
And that's when I found out
My wife was only carrying three bucks
I said I thought you were
Going to hit the ATM today
She says "I never got around to it
So where's your wallet anyway?
And I said never mind,
Just help me to find some change
Now the lady at the window
Is lookin' at me kinda strange
And she says "Mister, please,
We gotta move this line along"
I said now hold your stinking horses lady,
We won't be long
So, we looked around inside the glove-box
And check the mat beneath my feet
I found a nickel in the ashtray
And a couple pennies and a dime in the space between he seats
Before long I had a little pile
Of coins of every sort
The lady counts it up and says
"You're still about a dollar short"
And now my woman's got this weird look
Frozen on her face
She screams, "you know
I wasn't even really hungry in the first place"
And so I turned around
To the cashier again
I shrugged and said okay
Forget the chicken sandwich then
So I pick up my change
Pick up my receipt
And I drive to the pickup window
Man, I just can't wait to eat
And now we see this acne ridden
Kid about sixteen
Wearing a dorky name tag that says
"Hello, my name is Eugene"
And he hands me a paper bag
I look him in the eyes
And I say to him, hey, Eugene,
Could I get some ketchup for my fries?
Well he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at him
And he looks at me
And I look at him
And he says "I'm sorry
What did you want again?"
I say ketchup!
And he says "oh yeah, that's right
I just spaced out there for a second
I'm really kind of burnt tonight"
And then he hands me the ketchup
And now we're finally driving away
And the food is driving me mad
With its intoxicating bouquet
I'm starving to death
By the time we pull up at the traffic light
I say, baby, gimme that burger,
I just gotta have a bite!
So she reaches in the bag
And pulls out the burger
And she hands me the burger
And I pick up the burger
And then I unwrap the paper
I bite into those buns
And I just can't believe it
They forgot the onions!
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